Why A ‘Strength-Based Approach’ is the Caregiving Shift We Need

Continuing our series exploring the “blueprint” — our design for the experience children have at Playhood — today we explore a key way of blending our pedagogical influences with parenting practice. Partnership with parents centres on consistency in caregiving approaches across the home and nursery experience, and happily, much of the clinical research that neuroscience technology has enabled confirms Dr Montessori’s work in supporting child development.

Guest-written by Playhood alumna, Natalia Baker, an incredible Parent Coach who’s run a course for our members (”positively life-changing in deepening connection with my child - and myself!” according to one mum) she also does individual sessions and courses you can book over at https://www.kindred-families.com


Why A ‘Strength-Based Approach’ is the Caregiving Shift We Need

Just for a moment picture a 4 year-old on a playdate at a friend’s house. Tired from a short night’s sleep, he becomes increasingly frustrated during a den-building game and throws a toy at the other child. Feeling embarrassed (and the need to teach a lesson) his Dad cuts short the playdate and lectures him on the way home.

Despite the rise of “gentle parenting” advice, we still live in a culture where the use of consequences like this, i.e. telling-off and withdrawing privileges, is the prevailing way to discipline. When our parents sent us to our rooms to ‘think about’ what we’d done, it was under the supposed logic that if you feel bad about something you won’t do it again. No wonder that as adults now, many of us still believe that shame is the best teacher.

But what if we focused on what our kids are doing right in order to help them do better? It may run contrary to our negative bias as humans (which was necessary to survive, after all), but is it really productive for any of us to dwell on our failings?

Parents have been looking for effective ways to corral behaviour since the dawn of time, but there’s a new call for shame-free approaches that don’t leave a child internalising a sense (and label) of being “bad” for acting up.

The field of positive psychology - long used in counselling practice and in the corporate world with employee strengths assessments - has driven new research on raising self-confident children. We now have several parenting studies that demonstrate an upward spiral between positive emotions and strengths.

Dr Maria Montessori long ago recognised the power of feeling good about ourselves from the earliest years:

“We observe that a child occupied with matters that awaken his interest seems to blossom, to expand, evincing undreamed of character traits; his abilities give him great satisfaction, and he smiles with a sweet and joyous smile.”

(Citizen of the World, 1949, p.98).

This simple psychological fact - that the belief we have in our ability is directly related to positive experience and feedback - is a core pillar of the Playhood philosophy, and one of the key reasons I signed my daughter up as soon as it opened almost three years ago.

Strengths Based Caregiving (SBC) aligns strongly with the Montessori ethos. It uses a child’s talents, skills, traits and strengths to foster learning and shape discipline. Essentially the Montessori “worldview” champions belief in all children’s capacity for thriving and contributing, anchored in meeting and responding to the individual where they are. Putting strengths at the forefront of caregiving, either by pointing them out in action or inviting the child to use them in problem-solving, invests in the long-term relationship of learning and growing together.

As Dr Montessori also clarified:

“Do not think for a moment that I maintain that a child should always have his own way. That is not what I mean when I say it is wrong to thwart children. But there are two ways of trying to teach obedience. In the misguided old way children are simply told to do this and that; they are punished if they are disobedient. Then there is the other way on which my entire system is founded.

Ask from your child only what he can give you.”

(’Montessori Speaks to Parents’, 2017 edition p.29).



In my work as a parent coach with all kinds of families and in my own parenting experience, working with a child’s natural strengths can result in:



  • A higher level of confidence and self esteem

  • Better cooperation between parent and child

  • A parent’s ability to recognise and use their own strengths in their parenting

  • An appreciation that everyone has unique talents and differences

  • The ability to use perspective when facing failure, conflict and stress

  • A stronger culture of positivity and gratitude at home, school or nursery

  • And crucially - more FUN. Playful and supported exploration of what’s sparked our curiosity establishes motivation and valuable social interactions



Laura Perfetti our Head of School reminds is of how critical that natural spark is, long-term:



✨ “At Playhood, we foster intrinsic motivation by letting children be free to move, explore, and choose. When they express their satisfaction after accomplishing a process (usually through lengthy repetition and control of error), we reinforce the feeling with encouragement and observation over praise, e.g. “You must feel very proud of yourself”. The idea is to avoid the feeling of reward being located within another’s approval. Essentially we say, “You don’t need it; you are capable and I trust your skills!” An immeasurable boost of self-esteem and confidence — and a leap forward in independence”.

Strengths really can be anything, and they’re not always obvious. Sure, they can be apparent abilities such as footie skills or mathematical reasoning. They can also be temperament-based, such as being highly adaptable, persistent or engaging well with new people or situations. Some strengths are hidden by their flip-side; the classic example being the child described as ‘bossy’ who is in fact demonstrating emergent leadership skills! Another recent example would be a highly-sensitive child eventually finding a place for their attunement to others’ emotions in humour; writing and telling jokes. This comes back to looking beyond — or ‘upstream’ from — the observable behaviour.

The challenge we have in spotting strengths is our collective fixation on negative behaviours (that we seek to “fix”!) While we’re busy deciding whether or not we approve of a child’s actions, we miss clues to their whole personality. It’s more intuitive to correct a child’s outburst of frustration when their handwriting goes awry than to appreciate the care they’re taking with it. We worry about perfectionism and try our best to coax them out of it. The world needs perfectionists, so we can help them harness their natural attention to detail in a way that doesn’t paralyse...

At its core, strengths-based caregiving is helping increase a child’s self understanding without over-praising or assigning fixed labels. It’s about observing our kids, yes, and ourselves, through a more positive lens. Looking for superpowers is surprisingly unintuitive, but it can be very empowering for everyone. Video gaming kids might be called “lazy” or “addicted” but they are in fact using high-level problem-solving, fine motor and social skills while playing.

One example that springs to mind is a father sharing with me his frustration with his 7-year-old’s attempts to talk his way out of every boundary. Invariably the father would become worn down by his son’s not taking NO for an answer. An SBC approach helped him reframe the behaviour from difficult to a natural flair for negotiation. He has used his own strength of staying calm to hold firm boundaries when needed, and at other times to invite discussion and help hone his son’s verbal communication skills. Having faith in kids’ potential guides us to encouraging and supporting them to direct their talents into positive directions.


✨ As a parent coach, what keeps me recommending a strengths-based approach isn’t so much the academic outcomes, but the way in which this lens helps the attachment bond between a parent (or teacher) and child.



When we’re in the habit of recognising and reinforcing what’s working rather than correcting, that’s an adult who’s also more likely to turn that lens on themselves. Treating ourselves and others in our community with more grace and calling on our strengths as our child’s “concierge to the world” is naturally going to create a sense of safety, warmth and cooperation in the relationship.



RESOURCES TO LEARN MORE:

improve academic performance by increasing a students’ perseverance.

  • ‘Montessori in the 21st Century’ by M Shannon Helfrich, New Sage Press, 2011 outlines the way Montessori laid the foundations for cognitive science breakthroughs today

  • ‘The Gardener & the Carpenter’ by Alison Gopnik, Picador, 2017 makes the science behind human development and relationships so accessible for parents

Natalia Baker